I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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