Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
