i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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