There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
