I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Someone shattered a urinal.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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