I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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