Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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