Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
