Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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