I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
