She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
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I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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