one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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