I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
