My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
