today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
