I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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