I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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