Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My feet surprised me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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