so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just want to make out with him forever
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
