This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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