I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
