if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
