She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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