I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
