i think i have two assholes
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
