Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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