I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize