Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
