RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
