I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
