She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
