What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
