the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
