that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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