i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
