When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
