i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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