i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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