oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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