And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
