I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
