Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
