apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
God, I missed his penis.
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