My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
