threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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