He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
