No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
