I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
