how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
