you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
