I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
