Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
