I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize