By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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