Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
