matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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