We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
