I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
