Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
