Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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